Sorry for the long hiatuses from the blog. I’ve been hanging out on tumblr a good bit and lurking on FB but not posting much in either place. FYI for anyone curious- I deleted my FB friends list down to immediate family and close friends. I predominately use FB as a means to keep in touch with my relatives that don’t live locally. So it’s not that I don’t like anyone that I may have deleted, I just wanted to keep FB a little lower key. Besides my FB is rapidly being taken over by businesses that I’ve liked to follow promos and sales… and I didn’t like the voyeuristic-ness of my FB use. When I started getting friend requests from people I didn’t even know from high school and college I knew it was getting entirely out of hand. Anyway… that’s what’s up with that.
As the title indicates, I’ve been riding again. It’s been a rocky road back to finding enjoyment. Baxter very nearly ruined me from riding at all anymore. Whenever I think too long about Baxter I get this queasy tight feeling around my heart. His passing has left me broken. I haven’t been able to go to his grave at all yet. I just can’t do it. Just typing this has made me melancholy and sad for my sweet boy. He was my perfect and I doubt that I’ll ever have that level of perfect again.
I miss him.
But with the help of my riding friends and the encouragement of Jim I’ve returned to riding. Pip is my go-to mount now. The first couple weeks were horrible. Every single post-ride was heart breaking… Pip is an awesome little guy but he’s not Bax. To give a literary reference… Baxter was like Darcy, aloof and reserved while Pip is more like Bingley, fun-loving and gregarious. It’s hard to switch gears when the difference is so drastic.
For a while there I didn’t want to ride at all and would find any excuse to get out of it unless Jim or L made me go. Then a week or two ago things got better. L and I had an awesome ride and the next ride was good and the next too… so it’s getting better. Pip and I are bonding. Poor guy, he knows I miss Baxter but again like Bingley he’s determined to make me smile and it’s hard not to love him… he’s so stinkin’ cute after all.
We’re starting to talk about heading up to Biltmore now that the weather is turning a little and I’m actually looking forward to going with Pip.
I wonder tho, how long does the hurt linger? When will the 24th of the month pass without me feeling melancholy and sad? When will I look out in the pasture and not expect to see Baxter looking back?